In life we are constantly connecting with other people. This could be through work, family friends, acquaintances, small talk with another parent in the school pick-up line, or even the cashier at the grocery store. While some connections may be fleeting and situationally based, there are some that bloom into a friendship. But what happens when this friendship starts to feel one-sided, or starts to feel more invasive than it did previously? What happens if what you once thought was a friendship, never really was one?

There can be an immense feeling of guilt and shame when you feel like a friendship starts to become a trigger for stress, rather than the light-hearted outlet that it once was. You start asking yourself “is it me?”, “am I the one that needs to change?”, “did I do something wrong?”. It’s important to note that this is completely normal – so many of us do this! We have a natural tendency to look inward when we have a problem, to personalize the situation and evaluate if it is something internally that we need to adjust to get the friendship back on course; however, when considering a friendship, it is important to remember that feelings are not always facts.  Make sure to assess all areas to see if there has been a paradigm shift, or if there is self-work to be done – even if this self-work means setting new boundaries for the relationship.

5 Questions to Ask Yourself About a Friendship:

1. Does this friendship still bring me joy?
2. What feelings do I have surrounding this friendship?
3. Did I clearly set appropriate boundaries? If so, have those boundaries been respected?
4. Have I openly discussed my needs in this friendship?
5. Do I receive as much as I give with this friendship?

When answering those questions, be honest about the place that you are in. It is easy to downplay our feelings and rationalize that the place we are in is because we put ourselves there. While that may hold some truth, don’t brush aside your instinct when it comes to your friendships. Trust your gut and more importantly trust what it is that you need!

Your feelings and needs are just as valid as theirs are – if not more important.

How can you be healthy for someone else if you can’t be healthy for yourself? After answering the questions above,  you can now work to create healthy boundaries that can allow your friendship to heal and move forward.

4 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Friendship:

1. Be clear about any areas of your life and/or topics that are off-limits. We aren’t always expected to agree on everything. Part of what makes friendships so special is the differing components that each brings to the table. However, there may be specific areas that may not be beneficial or healthy to talk about. This could be because it starts an argument, or you don’t feel heard in your views or opinions, or it is just not what you need. Your communication must be very clear in order to set this boundary.
2. Set expectations that you know you could also reciprocate. Any relationship requires a push and a pull. Be reasonable in setting boundaries you could uphold if they were expected of you. It’s not fair to expect more from the people around us if we cannot live by those same standards.
3. Have open discussions when a boundary is broken. Masking problems sends mixed messaging and may not be received by the other party involved. So, make sure your language is neutral, concise, and clear. It is one thing to establish boundaries and another to maintain them. Hold yourself accountable to your needs when you feel that a boundary has been broken. Pushing it aside will cause a back-slide.
4. Know when it is time to let go. This one is hard, especially for friendships that have seen many years of growth together. Like the seasons, friendships are cyclical and while some may continually stand the test of time and change, others may be meant to end at one season so that there can be a place for movement and regrowth.

The beauty of friendships is that they bring added value to our lives and are an amazing opportunity to learn about ourselves and the way others see the world. They can challenge us to see life through an alternate lens and if each person is willing to be honest about their needs and each has a mutual respect for any boundaries in place, friendships can be a lifelong extension of our core values and joy.