I now pronounce you…

Roommates forever?!

Wait, that is definitely not I agreed to when I got married. I agreed to the good times, the bad times (the ugly times), the rich times, the poor times, sick and healthy times. Nobody ever said anything about being roommates.

I mean, I’ve been a roommate before and HAD many roommates (ahem, here’s to you college years), and from my recollection, that was nothing like a marriage. It was more of a shared space, but we all did our own things, with our own people and just slept at the same residence each night. Besides a lease, we weren’t bound to each other like marriage.

I’m no stranger to the pace of life, kids, careers, big changes, milestones, and I’m also no stranger to the fact that my marriage takes just as much work now as it did when we were newlyweds. Sure, the work looks much different now than it did years ago, and our partnership has its ebbs and flows, but it takes each of us to make an effort to stay connected despite how quickly life is moving.

But what if things are feeling a little stagnant and disconnected? Perhaps stress is a predominant feeling in the house and no matter what you do, you can’t seem to get a handle on it, and you’re well on your way to the dreaded burnout.

Marriages can take a big hit in these moments and before you know it, you’re ships passing in the night.

Here are 7 signs you and your partner have entered the roommate state:

1. You’ve both stopped trying. This is for sex, romance, going on dates, putting in effort to look nice, etc.
2. You turn away from your partner emotionally. Partners that have a long, lasting, healthy marriages, tend turn towards one another. When you are turning away from your partner you may respond with criticism/ critics, defensiveness, or resentment. 
3. Sleeping in separate beds. Many couples use the excuse “my partner snores”, or “I sleep better alone because my partner moves too much” or “we have different times we get up.” All valid excuses but let’s call it as it is, an excuse. There is an underlying reason for why you don’t want to be close to your partner. (Let’s work to learn what that is). 
4. You take each other for granted. 
5. You feel like your relationship is a chore. 
6. You have no boundaries in your relationship. There is a thing as too comfortable with one another.
7. You catch yourself fantasizing about being with someone else or living a different life often. 

What’s even worse? When your partner doesn’t agree with that you’ve entered roommate territory.

If you feel like you’re in a roommate situation but your partner does not, this is also a big sign that you are in fact in the roommate stage. As a partnership, you and your partner need to be on the same page (not in everything), but definitely when it comes to the state of your relationship.

If you’re feeling like this is a one-sided feeling, your partner has become too comfortable (yep, that’s totally a thing) with where your relationship is at now, and is used to not putting in effort because it is easier not to.

Also of importance here is that your feelings are valid if you feel this way about your relationship but your partner does not.

Usually, men are less likely to admit this because there is an underlying fear of failure. Feelings are still something a lot of men are learning that they can and should express. So be mindful of this as you proceed with your partner. Talk with your partner about why it is important to you that you address and work on this.

Partners that don’t agree with feeling like the relationship is in a roommate phase tend to downplay the risk of losing their relationship. If your partner refuses to admit this (man or woman) it could be helpful for you to see an individual therapist to work through your own feelings of resentment and concerns. 

These revelations can be hard to face and even harder to accept, but there is a way the get back to a strong, more balanced marriage:

1. Limit the kid talk! Communication about children is vital in a family system but does not need to be center of your focus 24/7 in a marriage. Ugly truth, your kids will leave one day. Can you and your partner still communicate, and connect with one another when they are gone? Your marriage must be priority. 
2.  Do things together! There should be a date night, at least once a month. Try new things together. Trying something you both have never done builds communication, intimacy, trust, and is a way to bond. 
3. Bring back old habits! Think back to when you first got together. You probably texted your partner/checked in/called a lot more during the day. This made you both giddy to hear from one another, and you felt that the other person cares. So why did it stop? You both became comfortable in your security with the relationship. While it is a great thing to feel secure in a relationship, effort still has to be there to continue a spark, and excitement. 

Brutal Honesty: Intimacy dies when effort leaves the building.

It’s easy to lose sight when we get so attuned to the daily grind. Open communication can help combat the backslide into roommate territory; however, if you feel guided communication is more productive, we are here to help. We work with many couples in marital and individual settings to help you work through the valleys of marriage. It often takes a perspective shift to get on the upswing, but once you learn the tools you need to keep a healthy and connected marriage, it becomes second nature and feels a lot less like work and more like living out the meaningful vows you both exchanged.